My Ego Went to Work!

I got the message when the orange and black butterfly appeared at the top of Rev. Denise's website with the information about the L.I.F.E.(Live In Full Expression)class.  I knew that butterfly was my signal that this was Guidance coming through and taking this class was my next step.  My ego knew it too, and it went to work with a vengeance to do everything in it's power to convince me I wasn't supposed to take this class.


For starters, before I had any personal contact with Rev. Denise regarding the class, my ego went right to the money issue (my Achilles's heel!), "$179 for six weeks and it's only a one hour phone call?  That's a lot of money for six hours of telephone time. And you've tried these things before, and you've never stuck with it. Waste of time, waste of money. Forget it!"

I explained to my ego that the price also included a workbook and six CDS, and that Rev. Denise is a nationally known personality who really impressed me when I heard her speak, took her sound healing workshop, and experienced a healing session with her. And damn it, what about the butterfly?  I worked hard to fight back!

And then, when Rev. Denise responded to my email requesting a Discovery Session to help me determine if this class might be of value to me, her email started out with 'Hello there,' and my ego said, "Really?  Hello there? She can't even mention your name in her greeting?  Does she really even know who she's sending the email to?  Does she even care?  You want to spend good money for a class where the instructor doesn't even have the courtesy to address you by name?" 

Rev. Denise went on to offer me a couple of options for a session. I could choose Tuesday or Wednesday of this week, between 2 and 4 PM EDT.  I emailed back my choice for a session on Wednesday at 2 PM EDT, and told her I looked forward to hearing from her at that time. Her response started with 'Hi There.' and she informed me that it would be best if I called her. 

My ego was off and running again:  "What? She still can't use your name?  And you have to call her?  Doesn't sound to me like she cares about anything except getting your money. She can't even make the call!  This is bullshit!  I told you it's a waste of time.  You don't need this."

So an hour later, when this email from Rev. Denise hit my inbox, my ego went wild: 

'My bad. Mixed up my days.

Thursday at 2:00 works best for me.

Talk then?'

 

"My bad? Really?  Talk about unprofessional language in a business communication!  And she can't even keep her calendar straight!  She's the one that gave you the options and then she screws up! And you want to take advice and direction from her?   Come on, Bonnie. You need to rethink this, big time! I'm telling you, this class isn't for you!"

 

Singing Zippity Do-dah in my head every time that little voice started up, I managed to keep ego's nagging to a minimum between that last email and today's phone call with Rev. Denise, without changing my mind.

 

Wouldn't you know it, though, when I called at the appointed time, I got voice mail!  And right away my ego started in again:  "She picked the date and time. She told you to call and you did, and she isn't even there!  How many more messages do you need that this really isn't for you?" On and on it went.  As I left my message, I was praying she'd call back quickly, if for no other reason than to drown out that persistent, negative egoic voice screaming in my head.

 

Thankfully, about two minutes later, she returned my call, and after our discussion I was even more determined than ever to register for the class. And then my ego had another opportunity to pick up its tirade once again, when Rev. Denise mentioned the start date of the class as Monday, January 7.

 

January 7 is a Tuesday, not a Monday, and when I mentioned this to Rev. Denise, she told me I was mistaken.  She said she always teaches this class on Monday, and January 7 is a Monday.  I explained I was looking at the calendar and it was Tuesday! 

 

She asked me to hold on as she checked things out, and during the silence on her end of the phone, my ego began its song and dance once again: "Ha! I told you this class wasn't for you!  She screwed up!  AGAIN!  This is the person you want to give you guidance?  To help you figure out the next step?  You're looking at the calendar and she's telling you you're wrong!  She can't even keep her own life straight.  How is she going to help you?  And you've already got your own things scheduled for Monday nights anyway."  I could just visualize my ego jumping up and down in ecstasy, visualizing victory.

 

Rev. Denise got back on the phone and acknowledged she made a mistake, but said she is teaching the class on Monday evenings and the start date will be January 6.  My ego started up again. "You've got things scheduled. You can't do Monday nights. This isn't going to work, yada, yada, yada."

 

I explained the situation to Rev. Denise and we figured out a way I can still make this work. She took my address to send me the CDS, and we hung up.  I immediately went to her website and hit the Pay Now button to lock in my registration.  I was exhausted!

 

But I fought the good fight, and at least for now, I've won the battle with my ego.  But the course is still a few weeks away, and there's still ample time for my ego to get in a few more licks.  And even once the class starts, I can allow that voice in my head to dissuade me, to keep me too busy to participate or make me 'forget' I have an obligation.  So many ways my ego can work to keep me from following the Guidance I received. 

 

Our egos don't like change. They like the status quo because staying in the same place is familiar, even if it isn't comfortable. They know how to do familiar, they don't know how to do new and different and bigger and better, and so when an opportunity for expansion presents itself, our egos will do everything in their power to convince us the opportunity isn't what we think it is.  They are really just trying to keep us safe, but playing it safe isn't a very good recipe for growth.

 

I could allow myself to be convinced that this class really isn't for me.  I could see all the little missteps up to this point as being 'signs' that I made a mistake, that the orange and black butterfly at the top of Rev. Denise's webpage doesn't really mean what I think it means.  It would be easier to do that: I'd save money, I wouldn't have to worry about the class interfering with my own events schedule, I won't have to hold myself accountable for attending, I won't have to find the time to do the work, etc., etc.  But that orange and black butterfly was a powerful message to me when I walked into that bedroom in Anchorage and saw that wall of butterflies.  And I don't believe in coincidences. I just don't. Synchronicities?  Yes. Guidance?  Absolutely!  Coincidences? NO! 

 

I know my ego isn't done with me yet, and I can't rest easy until I complete the class, because I know if I let down my guard, my ego will take every opportunity to keep me from finishing.  I don't know where this class will lead me, but I think my ego must have an inkling that it's going to lead to significant changes.  I think so too. So even though I have no doubt my ego's work isn't done,  I'm prepared for the battles to come.  And by the time the end of the class comes around, my ego will be out of work... at least until the next time! 

 

 

 

From Bedbug to Butterflies

I've been a bedbug for most of the last week.  What I mean by that is that I've been in bed playing host to a very nasty bug of some sort that seems to like my hospitality, although I've done everything humanly possible to show it the door!

I confess, I haven't been to the doctor, but from years of experience with similar 'guests', I know that unless there's yellow/green gunk coming from my nose when I blow it and coming up when I cough, (which there isn't) the doctor isn't going to give me anything I'm not already taking. So why make myself more miserable, and take the chance of sharing my misery with others, simply to hear him tell me to go back home and keep doing what I'm doing, and it will be over when it's over?  So I'm waiting it out... not patiently, I admit. But I'm doing my best.

A friend who called to check on me commented that I must really be releasing something, since this bug has been so persistent for so long!  Her comment sent me to my copy of Louise Hay's book, Heal Your Body, which offers the emotional/energetic cause of the physical symptoms our bodies use to let us know there is dis-ease going on. (Interesting that I frequently refer others to this book when they are experiencing dis-ease, but somehow failed to refer to it myself, until Chris' comment. Thank you, Chris!)

Under the entry for colds, it says: "Too much going on at once.  Mental confusion, disorder."  Hmmmm... I see possibilities here.  It also referred me to Respiratory Ailments, which, when I read the following, "Fear of taking in life fully." also caused a couple of raised eyebrows.

I do have a lot going on in some ways, (holiday preparations, new distance events, new in person events, a new relationship, a new way of relating to my son and his family now that I'm here and not in Pittsburgh, learning what it means to be a part of a condo community, etc., etc.) and yet in others, I feel like I don't have enough going on (no business Facebook page, no new website, no full-time work schedule, no email newsletter, no office space, etc., etc.).  So yes, there is plenty of mental confusion and disorder because of all of the above!

As for the 'fear of taking life in fully', well, yes, I have to admit there is some of that too!  Personally and professionally.  I haven't been in a long term, committed relationship in years, and I'm not even sure I know what it means to take that in fully!  So some fear there?  Oh yeah.  And what about professionally?  If I think about all the possibilities of where my work can take me (and that's only from the human perspective 'cause we all know that God can make things happen we can't even begin to imagine!), I'm shaking in my boots some days, trying to figure out how the heck I'm going to do it all, or on the other side of the equation, I'm convinced I don't have what it takes to make it happen.
(Completely forgetting, of course, during those times of quaking, that if God has a plan for me, I don't have to figure it all out, and whatever the plan, She will give me everything I need to make it happen anyway!) 

So okay, there seems to be a reason this bug is hanging on.  I can certainly relate to what Hay's book is saying. What do I need to address; what message is this nasty little visitor supposed to be imparting?   Well, that's where the butterflies come in!

During my trip last year, I took a picture of an orange and black butterfly that landed at my feet on a wooden deck as I walked along a river in Glacier National Park.



The butterfly didn't hold any particular significance for me at that point, other than that I love butterflies and I think this was the only one I had seen up close and personal up to this point on my trip, but with a new digital camera that meant snapping its picture wasn't wasting film, I took the picture. (As I looked at it to include it in the post, I thought it was interesting that the butterfly appeared to be studying its shadow, and aren't our shadow selves the parts of us that we need to bring to the light to heal and release? hmmm, more food for thought!)

After the park, I headed out of the US, through Canada, and ended up in Alaska, where total strangers offered me their spare bedroom for two weeks, and what's the first thing I ssaw when I walked into the bedroom?  A wall full of orange and black butterflies!



And then I walked into the bathroom, and what do you think was on the wall of the cabinet, directly above the toilet, right where I couldn't miss it?  Yep, another orange and black butterfly!



                                        

God always finds a way to give me the Guidance, direction, and assistance that I need as I travel this path.  So when those butterflies turned up, so similar to that butterfly on my path in the park that day (the one I just happened to take a picture of), the message I got from them was that I was exactly where I was supposed to be.  I was being watched over and guided, and my presence in that home was no accident, and God wanted to make sure I knew it!  Considering I was in Alaska, thousands of miles from home, family and friends, and staying with complete strangers, that was a message I needed to hear.

With everything that's going on in my life, and everything that isn't, I've been asking for more Guidance, more messages, more of whatever I need to help me move through this period of transformation. 

A few weeks ago, I had an opportunity to take a sound healing workshop with Rev. Denise DeSimone, who is a survivor of fourth stage throat cancer, an author, singer, healer, and minister. (I hadn't planned to attend the workshop, but sitting in church that morning I got the message that I needed to attend, so I went.)  I also had the privilege of receiving an individual healing session from Rev. Denise. (As soon as I saw the sign-up list at the front of the church, several weeks before she spoke, I put my name on the list.  At that point I had no idea who she was or what she was about. I just knew I needed a session with  her.  It was very powerful for me, but the details aren't relevant here.)

During the workshop, Rev. Denise mentioned a teleseminar she would be starting in January, and she referred to it using the acronym, L.I.F.E.  (If she mentioned that day what the acronym stood for, I missed it.)  She offered each of us a free thirty minute 'Discovery Session' with her via phone call, to help determine if the teleseminar might be helpful for us. The information went in one ear and out the other.  I'd tried a couple of things like that before and found that I had trouble keeping my commitment to them.  I figured this would most likely be the same, so I was passing.

One day this past week, during one of the periods when I felt like I needed to do something besides lay in bed, I forced myself to turn on my laptop and look at my emails.  One of them was from Rev. Denise, and the subject heading was simply 'Hello from Rev. Denise'.  For some reason I decided to open it, and it was another invitation to join her teleseminar.  This was after I had looked at Louise Hay's book, so when I read through the email and found out that L.I.F.E. meant Live In Full Expression, and the comment under Respiratory Ailments was 'Fear of taking in life fully,'  I decided to click on the link she offered and check it out more fully.  I was feeling a synchronicity here.

So I clicked on the link, and guess what was at the top of her banner?  Yep, a black and orange butterfly! 
(You can see it for yourself! And who knows?  Maybe the class will call to you too!  http://www.denisedesimone.com/teleclass.asp )

I've scheduled a discovery session with Rev. Denise for next week.  It's really only a formality though. With this kind of synchronicity, I know God's hand is at work, and this is my next step along the path.  There must be something in this teleseminar that will help me clear the confusion and mental disorder so that my path is more clear.   And perhaps I will be able to take in life more fully, with less fear and more joy.  I hope so.  Whatever the outcome though, just like God showed me in Alaska that I was being watched over and guided, and that I was right where I was supposed to be, She's showing me again.  I've learned life is always easier when I follow the Guidance.  So I'll be signing up for Rev. Denise's teleseminar once my 'Discovery Session' is complete, I have no doubt!

I'm hoping now that I got the message, God will help this bug find it's way out of my body sooner rather than later so I can totally escape the bedbug routine at last.  I just wish God could have found a more pleasant visitor to deliver the message in the first place!  I would have preferred a butterfly! :-)

Transition vs. Transformation

How often have you heard someone say, "I'm in transition?"  How often have you said it?  In these last fifteen months I know I've said it countless times. 

What does it mean, being in transition?  The Miriam-Webster dictionary defines transition as "a change from one state or condition to another."

When I read that, it feels like a slipping from one place to another, almost a lateral move, if you will. I don't necessarily get a sense of moving into something bigger or better, just different, (not necessarily good different either, although I'd hope it would be better than where I currently am, and certainly when I say it, that's my intention). But it doesn't fill me with a sense of power, or even particularly call to me as being something I'd aspire to.  It's almost as if it's somewhere I just ended up, unconsciously, unintentionally even.

But what if I were to say I'm in a period of transformation?  What visions or feelings or sensations does that conjure up?  Miriam-Webster defines it as " a complete or major change in someone's or something's appearance, form, etc."  

WOW!!!  When I read that, I certainly don't get the feeling that I could just slip into it unconsciously or unintentionally.  And for some reason, it feels much more powerful, much more expansive, than the word transition.  At least it does to me.  It feels like I'm stepping into something bigger, something better, something with greater potential, than if I simply say I'm 'in transition.'

Why am I thinking about this?  Because in a healing circle a few weeks ago, as each individual introduced himself/herself to the group, and I heard several people say "I'm in transition.", one person said, "I'm in a period of transformation.", and I was struck by the difference that choice of phrase made to me as the words came out of her mouth.

It felt powerful, uplifting, hopeful, big!  It felt life-affirming, and I commented on it as the implications of that power filled me. I thought to myself, I don't just want to be in transition anymore, I want to be in a period of transformation.  I want to be more.  I want to be bigger, better, higher. I am aspiring to be all that I came here to be, and I am doing it intentionally, with attention, and when I use the phrase, "I am in a period of transformation.", it feels so much more powerful, so much more positive, so much MORE of everything!  It has an energy, a promise inherent in the words, that I don't feel when I mouth the words, "I'm in transition."  And I like the feel of that energy, that promise.  It spurs me on, it makes me want to figure out the next step, take the next step, move forward. When I use the phrase, "I'm in a period of transformation.", I feel empowered.

So the next time someone asks me what I'm doing now, I'm going to use that woman's phrase, (Thank you, Linda!) and answer, "I'm in a period of transformation."

And each time I feel myself slipping into a state of lack-lusterness (is that even a word?)I'm going to repeat that phrase to myself and allow the power of those words to fuel my actions, because I'm not just slipping unconsciously into something else!  I am intentionally working to raise my vibration, expand my reach, and grow into my potential.

Words do have power, and I want the power of those words, my words, to take me higher!