Monday, July 8, 2013

Anger at God

I'm beginning to wonder just exactly what the heck God is doing in my life these days, if anything at all, and to be honest, I've been a little pissed off.  Ok, more than a little.  I am being  honest. 

After struggling through the pain in my knee for almost two months, which has been so intense at times that I almost can't walk, and then struggling to learn how to walk with the orthotics and my new tennis shoes, which feel like boats on my feet instead of shoes, and which have caused additional discomfort in my back as my body is acclimating to the inserts, on Friday, as I was walking back to Tony Tam Sing's Reiki room to get a Reiki session, I fell.

It wasn't an ordinary fall. I can't say I tripped on anything or stumbled.  I was walking and then I was laying face down on the floor. Both knees hit with a very solid bang, my face hit the floor, and my right elbow caught the brunt of the weight of my upper body as it folded underneath me, which probably saved me from a broken nose, because when I sat up, I had a slight brush burn on my nose from where it hit the carpet.

Fortunately, Tony and two other Reiki practitioners were there and immediately began doing Reiki on me.  I had my hands on my knees, doing Reiki on them, and could feel the heat coming from both of them like someone had opened an oven door.  Someone got me some ice for my elbow, and eventually I was able to stand up and walk back to the Reiki room, surprisingly without much difficulty.  Once Tony completed my session, the only thing that was hurting was my elbow, so I thought I was in pretty good shape, considering how hard I hit the floor. 

However, driving home was a challenge, because the further I got from the time of the fall, the weaker my right hand and arm became.  I had to drive home with my left hand because I couldn't hold the wheel with my right.  I called my chiropractor's office, hoping an adjustment would help, but the office was closed for the holiday and he wasn't due back in till Monday.

By Saturday morning, when I had trouble holding my coffee cup, I kind of lost it.  I think the fall, and all that resulted from it, was the straw that broke the camel's back, as the saying goes.  I thought I'd been doing really well accepting all that's occurred in the last few months: losing the buyer for my house, losing the house in Nashville, coping with the pain in my knee and the healing from the surgeries on my feet, acclimating to the orthotics and my new bigger, wider shoes, losing a connection with a good friend, and a myriad other things that haven't gone quite the way I would have liked or expected.  And then I couldn't even hold my coffee cup!  And I had packing to do!

That's when the shit hit the fan and I realized that I was angry with God!  I'm sure you can imagine some of the thoughts that went through my head, not just once, of course, but several times!  And sometimes I even voiced them out loud, and they weren't the nicest thoughts I've ever had.  I really had a melt down.  Even though my spiritual being knows and trusts that God is taking care of me, and I believe that everything happens for a reason, I'm still a human being, and the human part of me needed to vent, will probably always need to vent at some time or another when happenings in my life reach a certain level and my emotional self has no room left for more.

It used to be that when I had a meltdown like this ( yes, I've had them before and will have them again.), I'd feel like I was doing something wrong.  I had this mistaken belief that if I truly was on a spiritual path and working on things from a spiritual perspective, that I shouldn't get angry, shouldn't  let things get to me, and certainly shouldn't have a meltdown that left me screaming at God.  Thank goodness I've come far enough on my path, and in my relationship with Spirit, to let that old mistaken belief go.  Sometimes my human body just needs to feel what it's feeling and express what needs to be expressed.  It's so  much easier to let it all out and know that's it's ok to do so.

I'm also grateful God can handle my anger, my terrible thoughts as well as my nasty words.  I'm glad He doesn't hold a grudge.  I know this because God shared his thoughts on that topic in part of a message during a healing circle this spring.  He said:  "You can yell at Me.  You can scream at Me.  You can tell Me that you hate Me.  That you wish you'd never been born.  That you wish I didn't exist.  You can call Me every name in your book, and then move on to the books of others.  And I will not flinch. I will not cower.  I will not hold you accountable for what you have said, for I understand that you need to say what you are saying.  And you need to know that there will be no retaliation, that I will not hold against you anything that you have said, because that is not how I am.  And because when you vent your anger and your frustration and your pain at Me, it is safe to do so.  So I would much rather you fire away at Me, time and time and time again, so that when you are with those you love, who wouldn't be so understanding and so accepting, you can be more loving and more patient, and less angry and less hurt.  I will take all that you dish out.  Every last bit.   I will make a space for you to be who you are, in whatever way you are being, at the moment that you truly need me to."

Thank goodness!  Because venting helped.  And because I know God isn't angry at me for being angry at Him, I'm not carrying around a load of guilt because I vented at Him, which would just have added to everything else.  I'm feeling better, on all levels.  I'm ready to handle whatever else comes up as I continue to move forward, and I know that there will be more downs, as well as ups, and that it's all part of the journey.  And I know the venting is part of the journey too!  Perhaps the fall happened because I needed to vent in order to continue to move forward.  Maybe I've been holding things in way too long, even though I didn't know it.  And maybe that fall was important to my being able to walk forward in a better way, because ever since I fell, my knee has hurt even less and for the first time in months, I've been able to walk up and down stairs like a normal person, instead of having to put both feet on a step before I could move to the next.  And who knows, maybe that fall did other things, below the level of my consciousness, that also needed to be done.

I did see my chiropractor today ( If you need a really good traditional chiropractor, Dr. Nate Reese in Cannonsburg is great. He's definitely worth the drive.) Both kneecaps had been pushed out of alignment by the impact when I hit the floor, my neck and shoulder were out of whack, along with my elbow, which now has a bruise on it the size of a softball.  My physical  body now feels much more in alignment since Nate worked on me.

After seeing Dr. Reese, I then drove to Wexford to see Dr. Matt Flick, who does Network Spinal Analysis, which is an offshoot of traditional chiropractic, but to me, seems to work more with my breath and my energy body (No crunches and pops when Matt works on you, just very slight, easy touches that allow your body to find its own way to healing.  Again, very much worth the drive!) Matt's gentle touch and heartfelt caring helped my energetic body return to a more peaceful place, and in fact, I told him that it felt at times as if my body was gathering forces to take me higher and help me expand in greater ways.  If not for the fall, I think my experience with Matt would have been totally different today.  I know that fall was meant to be.

So if, like me, you sometimes get angry and need to let it all hang out, remember God is eager and willing to be your scapegoat.  Rail and yell and scream and shout all you need to, all you want to, until the knot in the pit of your stomach, or that red hot ball of anger , or that migraine that just wouldn't quit, have dissipated, because God can take it, and wants to.  And He will never hold it against you.

(Please note:  I'm not telling you about Dr. Reese and Dr. Flick because they asked me to. I'm telling you because both of them have helped me over the past months and years (I've been seeing Dr. Flick on and off since 2005!), and because sometimes we all need more than one type of healing modality to help us over a particular hump. So I think it's important to share information with you about the folks who have helped me out, in case , someday, you need someone or something more than you already have in your own tool box.)


  1. Hi Bonnie,
    I totally can relate to you on this one!!! I am sorry to hear about your struggles! I will send you some extra reiki!! I had some mini meltdowns recently.. I realized that I finished school and graduated, which is what my mom wanted me to do, and I have completed the goals that were set. Then I was at a "now what" point, and things just started to become emotional and reality that my mom's physical body is gone started to really set in. I was going non stop for a while and I got knocked on my ass with emotions, and physical pain... with news of the bulging discs and a herniated disc in my neck, I felt myself becoming angry and frustrated at God. I was like hey I do all this work and this is what I get??!! But reading this and the message you received has helped me put things back into perspective.. I was beginning to think I was wrong or bad for thinking negatively, but I must realize that I am still human and sometimes that is what we humans do. Also, thank you for sharing your comments about the chiropractors.. although they are far away, it may be worth the drive!!

  2. Hi Teresa,
    When we lose someone so dear to us, it's often easier to keep ourselves busy than to slow down and deal with our grief. As I read your comment, I realized that I too am grieving, and that the anger was simply a mask for the grief that I needed to acknowledge and express. Thanks for sharing and giving me some additional insight.

    And I know you called one of the chiropractors and he was able to help you, just not in the way that you thought he was going to, but in a way that was actually better for you! I hope she works out for you!
    many blessings as you continue to move forward.