I'm reading a new book. I picked it up in the bookstore when I went to church on Sunday. It's called Finding Yourself in Transition, by Robert Brumet. I had to read the title several times before I caught the play on words, but once I did, it certainly hit home.
I am in transition, and through this transition, I will find myself anew. I use that word, anew, rather than again, because I don't think I'm going to be the same person I was before I began this transition. Why do I think that? Because as I work through each day I'm having difficulty recognizing who I am. I don't know where I fit anymore, and I can't see where I will fit once this transition period has passed. I have a sense that there is something waiting for me, but at this time, I have no earthly idea what that might be.
That's the kicker, I think. I'm expecting an earthly idea, and I don't think it will be an earthly one, but a spiritual one. I've received several emails from people asking if I've done any circles yet, or if I've thought about when I might offer certain classes. Thoughts of circles and classes have come, but more because I feel like I should be thinking of them, rather than because it's the right thing to do at this point. Brumet says change is a process that requires us to "be willing to trust the divine wisdom and order within the process." He says that "Trying to force our personal will on a process is usually counterproductive and may be very damaging." I've been attempting to do that, to honor my feelings and what my body is telling me as I go through each day.
What that means is, there are still many boxes to unpack. Some days I don't touch a box at all, but run errands or just explore the landscape. Other days I dig in and unpack for hours, only stopping when I realize it's getting too dark to see and I have to turn on the lights. At other times I spend hours in silence, aware of an energy running through me that is not the same energy I feel when I'm unpacking or out and about in my car. I've been trying to do what feels right, rather than doing what someone else might think is right for me. I think that anyone looking in from the outside might think my ways are a bit strange, as there isn't as much progress as someone else might make, and yet, where I am, feels right.
It feels right, but it isn't necessarily comfortable. Brumet calls this part of the change process "the Void", where nothing "seems solid or definite:" where "... time and space seem to lose their former reality." He says that during this part of the process our feelings can go from the highest highs to the lowest lows, sometime feeling as if demons are within us, and at other times feeling the Divine in ways we never have before. He says we may be challenged to draw on our deepest resources to see us through this difficult time, but that it can be " an enormously powerful period: a time of opening to new freedom and empowerment, a time of deep healing , a time of transformation."
I wasn't looking for another book when I stepped into the bookstore on Sunday. I was really only trying to pass time until the service began. If this move has taught me anything, it's that I have far too many books already. However, God must have known that I needed a different perspective, a new voice, to help me traverse this part of the journey, because Brumet's words have shored me up, assured me that I'm still on the path, and at the right place on the path. He's given me a different way to see this space that I'm in, and a way to own it that I didn't have before. He's also helped me remember that this is just a stage in a process, and that it will eventually end, and that I will be better for having experienced this time, for allowing myself to accept what is, rather than pushing it away. His understanding is that once we have come through the void and experienced all that it has to offer, we are empowered with wisdom and strength which are not given to us solely for our own benefit, but given to us "that we may serve others in some way."
Ever since I learned Reiki, my prayer as I began each session has always been: "Let me be the channel for Your energy, the instrument of Your peace." I will gladly embrace this void, this period of unknowing, if it enables me to be an even better channel and a greater instrument for the Divine.