Friday, November 8, 2013

Running Away

I wanted to run away this morning.  As I sat eating breakfast, suddenly I wanted to get in my car and drive.  "Drive where?"  I asked myself.  "Home," I thought, "I want to go home.  Home?  Yes.  Home.  Back to Pittsburgh.  I want to go home."  And I began to figure out how to make it work.

"If I leave now, it's only ten hours. I can be there by 6.  I can stay tomorrow and Sunday, and drive back Monday.  I can do this.  No big deal. My car almost knows the way itself.  I'm going home."

And then I heard, "But you are home. This is your home.  Where are you running to? Why are you running?  What are you running from?"  And as the questions formed in my mind, I felt my eyes tearing up, and then the tears were slipping down my cheeks.  "Homesick, I'm homesick.  I want to go home." 

Before I knew it, I was cleaning up the breakfast dishes and heading for the closet, pulling out my suitcase, opening drawers, picking out clothes...and then I stopped, and sat on the edge of the bed, and asked myself, "What the hell are you doing?"

As I thought about it, I realized it wasn't really Pittsburgh and my home there that I was missing. It was the way things were before I knew Hayden was coming, before I decided to move to Nashville, before I closed my office and took the trip to Alaska.  I wanted things back the way they used to be, back when I knew what each day held, how each day was going to play out.  I wanted my old schedule back. I wanted my full calendar of clients and classes.  I wanted Wednesday night groups and Saturday workshops, and Sunday and Monday off.  I wanted my old routine, my old friends, my old way of being.   I wanted safety, security, stability.   I didn't want to be in this new place trying to figure out what to do with all the stuff in the boxes that were still unpacked and waiting for me in my office.  I didn't want to think about what's next with my work or where this new relationship is heading.  I wanted to run away and leave it all behind.

But the thing about running away, about resisting what I was feeling, is that when I came back, it would all be here waiting for me.  And pushing it away wasn't going to make it any easier to deal with.  As I thought that, I remembered that God had said something similar in a message that came through during one of the workshops I did when I was in Pittsburgh in October.  I dug it out and read it.  This is what God said, 

"So oftentimes, you resist the pain, and what you really need to do is embrace it.  “What you resist, persists.”  How many times have you heard that? So every time you resist the pain, it persists.  Embrace it!  Whatever the pain is - physical, mental, emotional, spiritual - embrace the pain!  Pull it towards you!  Wrap your arms around it!  Love it! Hold it close!  Offer your gratitude!  Tell it how grateful you are that it has come to serve you, and to teach you.
You might be amazed at what happens when you do that.  Suddenly the flood gates will open, and you will be sobbing tears.  But not tears of pain, simply tears of healing.  Sometimes even tears of joy, and you think to yourself, “This is so strange!  I was in so much pain!  And now I’m joyfully crying??  This makes no sense!”
Ah, but your pain was a symptom.  And when you pulled it in, when you held it close, when you hugged it and embraced it and owned it?  You broke it open and freed yourself!  And so you cry tears of joy because you realize that you are free.  That no longer do you have to carry that which you were carrying.
Pain is a very uncomfortable teacher.  But a very powerful one.  And whether that pain is spiritual or physical or emotional or mental, it doesn’t matter.  It’s come to teach you something.  It’s come to teach you what you asked it to teach you."
I'm not sure what this experience is teaching me.  Maybe it's just a reminder that change can be uncomfortable, but it's part of the process, and it's okay to be uncomfortable as long as I don't let it stop me from moving forward.  So I didn't run away today.  I stayed at home and forced myself to unpack the rest of the boxes.  I went to Staples and priced a desk and chair for my office, and I went to Kohl's and bought the towels and rugs for the bathroom that I've been putting off buying.  
That uncomfortable feeling is still there, but the desire to run away has abated.  And I noticed that once I recognized what the feeling of homesickness was all about, it was easier to understand why I was feeling the way that I was.  Everything is different.  It makes sense that I'd want to have it all back the way it was, because I know how to be that person, to do that job. I knew how to live my life as that Bonnie.  I'm still trying to figure out how to live my life as this Bonnie. 


  1. Wow. Something REALLY big must be coming! Your ego is really working overtime to try and keep you the way you were. Your distance circle was fabulous, and that sent your ego into overdrive. Reading this made me realize that I, too, want to run away. The difference is I do it, every day, in a million different little ways. I can always find a "reason", i.e. excuse, not to catch up on my class work for my online class. I'm too tired, gotta go to the store, gotta do this, gotta do that. Especially, gotta go to work. When I moved to Pgh nearly 4 years ago, I never felt homesick, because I knew that's where I had to be. Since moving back to Harrisburg, I don't feel homesick for Pgh, even though I enjoyed my time there very much. The things I love the most about being in Pgh are no longer there. My step-mom is now permanently in Atlanta, no baseball (at least for the time being!), and, of course, you are no longer there to enjoy, among other things, "Wednesday at Bonnie's". I don't feel Harrisburg is "home", even though I have spent over half of my life here. My task is also not to run away. I am also trying to figure out where THIS Deb belongs, and what THIS Deb needs to be doing to be moving forward. As always, life is good!

  2. yes, I think you may be right, Deb! and of course, one of the messages I got in church the day I got the book for free, was that adversity precedes advancement. So I'm sure that has something to do with it! :) All we can do is our best.... with each choice that is presented, we just need to choose the higher vibration choice more often, and then it will be easier each time we have to make a choice, to make the higher vibration choice. So one choice at a time... that's all it takes to get us there!

  3. Wow! What a powerful message! Just one the day I needed it! Thank u! Yeah, it is hard sometimes! I have been working in healing some old wounds & saw the impact of running away. Saw how much it can affect other people by running away & how u just hold on to the issue as opposed to dealing & releasing. This was an issue 4 yrs ago & now am seeing that i wish we could have squashed it back then. Would have saved alot of heartache. It takes a couragous person to stay & to deal with the issue at hand. I am trying to be that person too! Keep up the great work!

  4. Hindsight is always twenty-twenty! But had you been able to deal with the issue four years ago, you would have ! So it all happens as it's meant to, and whatever has occurred since, because you didn't, were important lessons you needed to learn for where God is leading you. So it really is all good!

  5. I can say I have felt that about the job I am working at as a coordinator. At times wishing I could go back to an easier time when all I did was drive a van only dealing with me and one other person. With what I do now, there are many other employees involved. Many different personalities. Many more emotions going on. Many more changes in such a short span of time. Now I see I wouldn't have been learning that which I am learning now, team work! Making room for others to spread their wings. What I see now is amazing. Even in the mist of confusion, jitters, crazy emotions, I can see beauty, growth, spreading of many wings, opportunities not just for myself but for all concerned. Ideas given to me by God that now are coming to past not by me but by others in the team.

    I understand the feeling of wanting to run back to what is familiar, comfortable, loving and warm. But just as a pair of worn out shoes, you can not travel as far as you need to before it effects the whole body. Once the new pair of shoes start to feel comfortable, it is then you can see the benefits of what you bought them for in the first place. Ha, ha, ha, ha!!! I have had shoes on my mind since the day you wrote this blog. Just wasn't sure how to put it into words.

    I guess Bonnie you just haven't worn the new pair of shoes long enough for them to yet feel comfortable. It will come. Before you know it, you will see growth, beauty all around you and spreadings of many wings ready to soar due to you moving to Nashville and touching so many more lives with your gifts. Your blog has only confirmed to me I need to continue to move forward as a coordinator.

    You are in our prayers, thoughts and Reiki as you move forward on your journey in Nashville.

  6. I'm so glad you're moving forward, Rebecca. God wouldn't have put you where He did if he didn't think you could do it. and thank you for sharing your thoughts, and for the kind words and prayers. I'll keep wearing these new shoes and breaking them in... I know I have a lot more steps to take....and new destinations to explore. many blessings as you continue to take your own steps!